Nikki B. Sweeney

From the earliest of ages, I learned to love from my parents and my ten older sisters as they looked at me with loving eyes, and I mirrored that love in return. It is a pivotal component of emotional development, and I was fortunate to be raised in a home so filled with love. When I became an older sister to my two younger sisters and eventually a parent, I expressed love in much the same way I felt it as a child. My own children experienced love from me as their mother as they grew to understand it. It is an important bond that they have continued in raising their own children, creating a perpetuating cycle of connection through love. This concept is foundational to the development of our youth today, and as a lifetime educator, I have noticed that when it is missing, our children suffer from significant mental health issues that have elusive answers.

Today, as I reflect back on my own life, it is easy to recognize that LOVE has been the overriding tool that has guided me to greater abundance with people in my work, family, and friends. Love brings out the very best in us even when we are at our lowest and most broken and vulnerable; maybe that’s when we understand it best – when in 2008, I had nothing to truly give another except for my love and gratitude. Do you suppose that is why we find children so endearing? Children express that which they can only give and are our greatest examples of what unconditional love truly is. I have worked with and around young children for over 30 years, and I can assure you that spending time with them each day as a teacher and administrator brings incredible joy that few other things in this world can. Dogs are another great example. Think about it. Dog spelled backward is God, and maybe it is because they help to teach us what unconditional love is in a world so filled with divisive hatred and discontent.

So perhaps today, we can look for ways to spend more time with our young children and animals. It doesn’t have to be complicated or overly sophisticated. Enjoy the simplicity of God’s most important guiding principle and tool for life with the special creatures He has provided us and begin to experience the transformation only LOVE can provide.

Sometimes an image can express more than words ever could and I will do my best to reflect on that and write something more substantial on the topic soon.

Have you ever had a thought or idea that compelled you so much that you began investigating it and lost complete track of time? You went down a rabbit hole and came out hours or even days, weeks, months later? I have seen many of you here today do that very thing with an idea regarding a person, a game, a sport, or a problem you’re struggling with… We all do it at some point – including me as I complete the final chapter of my book on a topic that had stymied me for years,  but why? Maybe it’s curiosity, but I feel like whatever inspired that initial action was seeking clarity or understanding around a given topic.. We want to understand with greater clarity that which was spurred by something inside of us.. 

Well I’m here to tell you that it’s going to happen again and again in life with simple things or really big things that can change the trajectory of your lives. What then? That’s what I want to talk about today, and I’d like to share three simple actions that have helped me, my own children, countless other students, and can easily help you on your journeys. And let me say that they are truly quite simple, and likely articulated much more eloquently by my husband in his second book, Moving the Needle, but I’m going to give it a try.

Number One: Get Clear. Number two: Get free, and Number three: Get going. 

Let’s begin with number one.. Get clear.

If you really want to get  CLEAR, you have to get QUIET.  In these days of iphones, the Internet, and social media – that is perhaps our number one challenge. In fact, busyness seems to be a badge of honor that people can’t talk about enough these days. Interestingly, in 1940 CS Lewis wrote a book called The Screwtape Letters.

The book is about how a young aggressive devil is trying to ruin mankind. The evil, Satan says, “I’ve got a bigger plan, I will keep people SO busy that they won’t be able to hear the voice of God.” That was in 1940 before the iPhone was even around.  I’m not talking about spending three hours in solitude every day, but perhaps start your day with 5 to 10 minutes of quiet time to set your intentions for the day.

Number two…GET Free. 

What I mean by that are two things. Eliminate all negative beliefs and thoughts about yourself. Have you ever noticed that we compare our deepest darkest times with people’s Snaps and their Instagram’s greatest moments?

When students come into my office, I usually ask them, “What is your self-talk? What are you saying to yourself about yourself?” The one thing I want to leave with you is remember you are a loved human being by our creator and by all of us here at The Village School.

The other part of getting free is eliminating all excuses to take 100% responsibility for your decisions. How many times do you say you’d like to do something and want to do something, but then come up with an excuse NOT to do it. 

For example, I may have told myself that I was going to get up earlier and exercise because I get home too late from work to do it during the evening, but then excused myself from this great habit with, “I’m too tired to get up and need more sleep.” That’s pretty weak; getting to bed earlier instead of scrolling through Instagram would have helped me go to sleep earlier so that I am not too tired to do something that is truly good for me.. Eliminate excuses and take 100 % responsibility to get free.

Number 3… Get GOING. 

Sometimes, when we feel like we’re stuck, we just need the right tools to get going. Here are two of my favorite tools that could help you.

I know that at your age, most of you just want all the answers (I did too) but in my 58 years on this earth, I’ve learned that it’s much more important to be able to ask good questions than it is to have all the answers.

So instead of trying to unlock the secrets to life’s mysteries for you, here are a few simple questions:

Question #1: What are you going to be when you grow up?

So what ARE you going to be when you grow up?

You have probably heard this question from the time when you were a small kid. Did you ever notice who was asking the question. It was usually asked by the adults; do you know why they were asking? Most of them are looking for clues for themselves. We think adults have all the answers. After further review, I’ve realized all we do is learn to pretend better. Back when you were a child, you would dream and say things like, “I want to be an astronaut, or a firefighter, or even the president.”

Then when you were at the end of grade school people would stop asking what you were going to be when you grow up and instead they ask, “Where are you going to high school?” Then at the end of high school, they ask, “ Where are you going to college?” And then you get to college and the question changes again.  This time it’s “WHAT ARE YOU MAJORING IN? ” Boy, I struggled with that question because I wanted to major in EVERYTHING!! And NOW that you’re graduating from high school, how many variations have you all heard of, “Soo…. What are you going to do next?”

Most studies show that 80% of high school students have no idea what they are going to do when they graduate…….so relax you are in good company. 

You see the wording always seems to change but the issue is still the same: People are really trying to figure out where are you headed? What are you going to do with your life? Until you graduate from college and God willing you get a job.  Then people stop asking that question: “What are you going to be when you grow up?” I can’t remember the last time I was asked that question. Which is good because I am not sure how I would answer that. I have been able to do several interesting things in my life in education and business, but I knew I always wanted to be in education to help young people on their journeys to become the best version of themselves. 

It’s a HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER.

But then again, the more I think about it, it really isn’t that tough of a question to answer at all. BECAUSE LIFE IS MORE THAN WORK.  

If I stop thinking in terms of a career, I’ve known for a long time what I wanted to be:

A loving mother, grammy, and wife. A good sister to my 12 sisters and a loving daughter, a loyal and supportive friend and someone who gives back to my community, someone who is not afraid to show my passions, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities to others – A woman who loves helping others by educating and mentoring young students. And a woman who believes that life is a place we go to GIVE and not GET.

So when someone asks you the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I truly believe THESE KINDS of answers are much more important than an engineer, a business owner, a lawyer… important though those may be. 

YOU SEE, THE RELATIONSHIPS WE BUILD, THE COMMITMENTS WE MAKE, THE VALUES WE LIVE BY – THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT DETERMINE WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. AND IF YOU DON’T DO A GOOD JOB OF DETERMINING WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE, IT WON’T MATTER WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU HAVE. WE AT THE VILLAGE SCHOOL, ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS, HAVE WORKED HARD TO INSTILL THESE VALUES IN YOU.

Not sure if this 100% true….

Former NBA great Michael Jordan told this story about himself years ago.  He was in Philadelphia and went into a restaurant and ordered dinner.  The busboy came up to him and put a roll and pat of butter down before him.  Jordan looked at the busboy and said:  “I’d like another pat of butter.”
“One pat of butter to a customer, sir,” replied the busboy.
Jordan looked at him and said:  “Don’t you know who I am?
The busboy said:  “No, who?”
He said: “My name is Michael Jordan. I played professional basketball and won an Olympic Gold Medal and won 6 championships with the Chicago Bulls, won more NBA MVP’s than anyone and I now own the Charlotte Hornets of the NBA.
The busboy replied, “Those are very impressive credentials, Mr. Jordan, but don’t you know who I am?
“No, who?”
“I’m the man in charge of the butter.”

There will always be someone in charge of the butter, the plates and everything else in your life.   We need to get along with and connect with everyone. We can’t put ourselves above or ahead of others.  Every person is important; they can help us AND can keep us from getting what we want.  DO NOT let anyone crush your dreams OR tell you can’t do something.  IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING, CAN GET CLEAR, GET FREE, AND GET GOING …. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

It was the week before first semester finals, or what is now termed Demonstrations of Learning (DOL), for the students that I work with at a well-resourced, highly achieving independent school. Students are accustomed to preparing for final examinations that have historically been done on paper. They complete free response, true/false, and multiple choice questions, complete empty maps and solve complex math and science equations among many other things that, for the most part, have not changed the last century. Students are extremely comfortable in this arena where they can expect much of the same evaluative processes with different content. As a student, I remember the comfort that accompanied the memorization of vocabulary terms across disciplines, writing papers, solving complicated problems, and completing essay questions. It was predictable and I could prepare, or in most cases, over prepare to tackle those assessments much the way students do today. In fact, I don’t see them playing games on their phones to solve problems or learn vocabulary. The use of notecards, notebooks, and Google docs, on occasion, are what I see the majority of students using to prepare for exams. The way they prepare is not that much of a departure from the past.

Predictability is exactly why students now struggle with assessments that require them to employ physics concepts to design, construct, qualify, and race a mouse trap car that will be measured in speed and distance that it travels, as well as the weight of the load it can pull the longest distance. Basically their mousetrap cars will compete in three different races that measure speed, distance, and endurance. It’s not a predictable assessment and for the most part is a messy project with no straight line to success. Students love to complain about how hard it is to actually build something and why it’s challenging to manage the time it takes to complete.

Students would be evaluated by their physics teachers who have prepared them well in class, Dr. Brigit McEwen and Dr. Amber Bakkum, using several instruments and a grading rubric with points assigned to each descriptor. The rubric included two categories: Qualification and Competition. Qualification included producing a car before the due date at 4 pm, that it was powered only by a single mouse trap, could travel one meter, had a minimum mass of 200g, and could fit within the racing lane that was 40cm in length and 30 cm wide. The Competition category was based on ranking in each of three races. In addition, students had to create a digital record with descriptors of their project including force diagrams, qualitative motion graphs, written, and pictorial documentation of the process, and a reflection on the success/failure of the project. It had to be neat, typed, and organized in a journal with points allocated to each component. Clearly, it was a project that required time and that’s why they were given a whole month to work on it!

Yesterday, the students I worked with remarked that they could predict the amount of time and methods they would use to be successful traditional test takers and were “freaked-out” by the unpredictability of their cars as they revised their prototypes several times to be successful. Of course, most students watched YouTube videos and read as much as they could to figure out how to build a successful car, but they must still actually build the prototypes themselves. There were a host of materials they used, but all must have been recycled materials making the project even more challenging. It’s not like the kids didn’t have time to work on the project; physics teachers provided class time a month ahead of the actual races to make sure students had the support and resources needed; nonetheless, days and hours before the race students became a little frantic. “My car won’t go straight! What can I do?” It’s terrifying for them to NOT know the answer and to have to figure it out without a straight line to the answer.

One colleague remarked that we should get rid of the assessment because it was freaking the kids out, and I couldn’t DISagree more. It is exactly the kind of experience the kids need to figure out without a helicopter there to rush in and save them. Don’t get me wrong, coaching the kids is important especially with the tools they had never used before including laser cutters, stop saws, drills, soldering irons, and 3-D printers. I believe the discomfort, or cognitive dissonance, that they feel during the process helps them to build resiliency which will actually reduce anxiety in the future.

Today is the race, and the kids are ready to go. All of the whining and reconfiguring of schedules to complete the project is behind them.  They have grown and seemingly emanate a sense of confidence they didn’t have when the challenging, messy project began. They have learned how to handle situations with teammates when things went wrong with their mousetrap cars, how to better manage time when juggling responsibilities, how to create something from virtually nothing using tools they had never touched before, and some important physics principles. It was an inspiring week in the Lubar Center for Exploration and Innovation working alongside the kids as they navigated a different type of assessment challenge!

 

I recently met Dr. Delaney Ruston, a Stanford trained physician and the creator of several documentaries including her most recent work, Screenagers, which highlights the struggles families are having over gaming, social media, and the use of screens for learning and play. The goal of the film is to provide solutions for families on how to navigate screen time in healthy ways.

During Dr. Ruston’s small group discussion and visit with the broader USM parent community, she offered simple, straightforward tips for families.  One suggestion she offered to help parents initiate and have an effective discussion about healthy screen time includes using the three V’s or VALUE, VALIDATE, and VILLAGE. By this she means that when parents have conversations with their children it is wise to acknowledge the VALUE of various screen activities including gaming and social media instead of automatically arguing with children that they are not good for them or have little value. Approaching the discussion by stating the value of something on a screen avoids creating a dualistic, right, wrong situation that can leave everyone frustrated with little to no positive outcomes. Acknowledging the value of screen time first, creates the opportunity to VALIDATE children’s desire to be connected using technology while at the same time offering the opportunity to begin a conversation regarding healthy ways to have screen time so that it doesn’t become a negative or destructive environment. By working with children to create healthy expectations around screen time at home and school a constructive VILLAGE culture is created. There is strength in numbers. The village recognizes the value of children’s  screen time and strives to create quality computer activities for them to engage in as creators instead of consumers and maintains recommended guidelines.

To help parents and schools accomplish a community centered on healthy screen time, Dr. Ruston referenced the Wait Until Eighth movement suggesting that parents wait until eighth grade to give their children smart phones. The website sites nine reasons why parents should adopt this philosophy and suggests that parents sign the pledge promising not to give children phones until eighth grade. When 10 families in a grade at your child’s school have signed the pledge the site informs you so that the 10 families can support one another.

Lastly, Dr. Ruston shared applications that you can help you monitor your child’s screen time. They provide simple monitoring and management tools to achieve effective screen time for children taking the guess work and arguments out of how much screen time is actually taking place. There are resources available to help set screen time expectations, guide conversations, and manage screen time. It is ultimately the parents’ decision on screen time at home, and they can rest assured the school is doing everything possible to ensure that screen time on campus is vital to the learning process.

 

Over the last several months I have had a graphic that I created posted in my office that is based on an idea that Joe Sweeney shared with me and is in his second book, Moving the Needle. The idea is that Passions + Strengths + Service to others can/should equate (=) to one’s mission or life’s work.

When you drill down far enough to clearly identify what you love to do when time is not limited, the skills you have developed, and how your efforts actively serve other people, you should be able to identify what I call the “Sweeney” spot, or place that we all want to find our careers and lives, for that matter. I added numbers to the equation at Joe’s suggestion to make it more multidimensional. There are several tools available in the world to assess strengths, including Tom Rath’s Strength’s Finder 2.0, so it does not have to be a challenge or time consuming thing to accomplish if you are struggling to identify where your strengths really lie. I also found an online survey that identifies thoughts and behaviors that direct people in ways that satisfy them. I’ve done both and think they are each helpful. Identifying what a person is passionate about doing seems far less daunting. It really comes down to what you love doing when time is your own.

Serving others seems so important and is often overlooked in how we plan our lives. I am happy and have seen first hand, how this simple “Sweeney” formula builds relationships and creates opportunities that would otherwise never existed. Serving others has a way of identifying who you really are, how much you care about people and things that are important to you and the community. Serving others goes miles farther than talking about change or what others can and should do.. What simple things can you do to make lives brighter everyday? Serving others doesn’t have to include huge acts or projects, but meaningful ones that don’t expect anything in return. Opportunities that grow out of the conversations and relationships that are created when people know you don’t expect something in return are endless and would never have occurred if you hadn’t acted.

In thinking about my career, I can’t help but feel really lucky that I am doing what I love. Maybe that’s it though; did I just keep pushing forward to create a life and work that have allowed me to use my strengths and passions in ways that serve others?  When I reviewed my survey results and saw the following, I felt reassured. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you’re suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you’re given the autonomy to do things your own way.

In moving forward, I hope this formula can help the people I work with, both young, middle aged, and veteran teachers, find greater joy and success in their lives. To really make it effective though, I have to continue serving others in ways that embrace my strengths and passions. I know that in providing the formula as a tool, the Universe will share endless possibilities with all of us.

We aren’t born with BIG thumbs for a lot of reasons! Our very first sign of life is when we inhale our first breath as a newborn. Many times crying accompanies birth and is used to communicate a baby’s wants and needs. So with breath and voice, the infant is given life and a vehicle of communication. Research indicates that specialized vocal processing in the brain develops soon thereafter when babies begin using their voices to create vowel sounds at about two months. By five months babies can recognize whether communication is positive or negative based on the tone of the message. Gradually, vocabularies grow and accompanying expressive and receptive language skills develop. Children use words, tone, body language, and many things to communicate with others as they begin to navigate an uncertain and ambiguous world. Life seems to be progressing as it should UNTIL somewhere during those developmental years, children, or even teens and adults are introduced to new vehicles of communication, like the iPhone or other hand-held devices. Gmail, Apple IDs, Facebook, Instagram, and the like follow closely behind.. They are tools originally designed to improve and increase communication and human connections, but do they? What is gained and lost when those tools are used?

I didn’t give it much thought until recently, but the iPhone so appropriately includes the “i” in its name because the user becomes the reinforced focus of this communication vehicle.  Of course you can have video conversations that improve the ability to have more engaging two way communications with an iPhone, but part of the beauty of this sweet little device belongs in the ability to text and use email and other digital communications to communicate efficiently.

The voice with oxygen pumped through a person’s cardiovascular system is truly no longer necessary with electronic devices to speak and communicate. It’s all thumbs now, baby! The physiological connection to the heart and lung systems that support this communication style are eliminated in favor of a more clerical and intellectual way to correspond with others. The heart center and “PRANA” are not nearly as necessary, and so I believe the communication becomes less human in many ways. I’m not yogini, but I believe there is a direct correlation between mind, body, and spirit when we successfully communicate as a species. You can no longer hear vocal inflections or intonations that differentiate emotional human responses through texting and digital communications. Further, there is no visual connection to the person you’re communicating with, so smiles, tears and facial expressions are gone, nada.

I have often times  wondered after reading a text or Face Book message if the sender would, or even could, say those words in person. Probably not since some of them even hide behind fake profiles. This isn’t to say that it doesn’t feel good to receive a nice message, quite the opposite. It is on the other end of the dark spectrum where problems arise. Negative communications feverishly delivered with thumbs seem to be taking down children and adults these days. Truly. I have seen grown men and women destroyed by words that individuals would never utter in person… Adults, adolescents, and children ending their lives over words from a classmate, friend, child, or family member. Some messages and email chains are extensive continuing for weeks and months, well beyond one or two messages making the damage even more devastating. So I ask, “Where is the disconnection? How does someone decide to send a text message or email that could never be delivered personally?”

As a technology leader for the last 15 years, I have mitigated much thumb-driven horror and would like to dig deeper into the research of body systems related to digital communication. There is a plethora of research on the brain and emotional epicenter as it relates to feelings and communication and whether emotional impulses ever get to the frontal lobe where executive functioning and processes to understand the consequences more comprehensively take place. I will dig into that further, but I also want to examine the other physical structures of the body and their relationship to electronic communications so that our thumbs don’t destroy us.

Let the research and writing begin!

Where is the frontier in independent school education today? 

Historically, independent schools have strived to use every tool available to help their students excel academically demonstrated in high-standardized test scores. These measures have supported students’ entrance into the very best schools in the world, but don’t necessarily express how well students will do in college after their first year. Nor do the scores indicate how well students will work in teams to solve complex problems, or challenges, show empathy, or navigate ambiguity as I have seen directing the Innovation and Entrepreneurship program at USM where students solve complex, real-world problems independently and on teams. When answers aren’t clear and students struggle to find them, their biological systems sometimes take over and they can lack the strategies to navigate their self and social awareness, as well as manage relationships. As more and more of these students participate in internships in the community to accompany academic programs and provide experiential learning opportunities, it is even more important that they develop self and social awareness, as well as relationship management skills to find greater success working with professional teams in areas they are passionate about to maximize these opportunities; ironically, these are the soft skills that can be especially hard to measure and increase even though tools to do both exist.

Emotional Quotient, or EQ, has certainly taken its place at the professional level with substantial research supporting that it can be drastically increased, unlike intelligence, or IQ, but hasn’t been more formally introduced through assessments with opportunities to develop the affective skills that comprise EQ with most Upper School students today.  Further, universities are now using research on EQ during the admission’s process to better identify which students will actually excel through college today and beyond. For example, some admissions’ officers at the University of Chicago, MIT, and Notre Dame have to provide examples demonstrating how students work through ambiguity and are comfortable navigating opposing views as part of the application process. With this kind of growing performance and college admissions information in mind, I decided to investigate EQ further and determine how independent schools, like University School of Milwaukee, can strengthen students’ emotional quotients helping them grow into the best versions of themselves to excel in life!

According to Bradberry and Greaves, “People with the highest levels of intelligence (IQ) outperform those with average IQs just 20% of the time, while people with average IQs outperform those with high IQs 70% of the time.” Countless studies indicate that the critical variable that explains success is emotional quotient, or EQ, and that can be increased and strengthened! Emotional quotient can be divided into four categories including self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness and relationship management. There are currently valid and reliable tools available to help our students measure and develop the affective skills they will need to accompany their intelligence and live happy and successful lives (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009, p. 8). If that is not convincing enough, Bradberry and Greaves tested over half a million people, and according to their research, EQ comprises 58 percent of performance across professions and is the largest predictor of success personally and professionally.  In fact, 90 percent of the highest performers also have high EQs making just under $30,000 MORE a year, while only 20 percent of low performers have high EQs. There is a $1300 increase in salary tied to each EQ point regardless of profession or region of the world people live in (2009).

With this information in hand, I took the first step and provided students the opportunity to survey, or assess, their EQs and identify where their strengths and challenges were in each of the four categories using Talentsmart’s survey. Their assessment contains at total of 66 strategies to strengthen EQ. According to students, the assessment was user-friendly and easy to understand from the very beginning of the process. Some students readily discussed the four categories and the one or two strategies they focused on to improve the way they managed their relationships at school and on the playing fields. They readily identified where they found challenges when trying to understand their friends’ feelings as they relate to social awareness and how the strategies in their profiles were helping them to connect with others in social situations more effectively. It was much easier to do deep project work with the students individually and on teams following the survey because the four categories could be referenced with students as needed in a constructive and non-threatening way.

In the first two categories, students develop internal lenses to better understand their self-awareness and self-management. When students become more self aware, they are able to know themselves as they really are. They better understand the emotions they are experiencing, where emotions come from, and why they are there. In fact, 83 percent of top performers are self-aware leading to much better self-regulation and management. There are 15 specific self-awareness strategies that can be measured and improved throughout students’ educational experience. According to students, the process itself also helped them become more mindful overall and less reactive when they felt uncomfortable emotions. As students’ self-management skills strengthened, they used their emotional awareness to determine how to behave. Since the brain experiences emotions in the limbic system before they get to the prefrontal cortex, it is vital to identify the specific emotion, and then respond most appropriately to a situation. There are 17 strategies to help students regulate their emotions in appropriate ways and the original survey helps pinpoint which ones to prioritize to strengthen their individual emotional quotients.

The other two categories, social awareness and relationship management, require students to use outward lenses to understand and respond to others. Social awareness is students’ ability to use their senses to identify others’ emotions and cues. The sixth sense, or emotions, can also be used in the process. There are 17 strategies that can help students overcome challenges that might be hindering their social awareness in the survey and each profile is provided the most effective strategies to strengthen their social awareness. Relationship management utilizes skills in the other three EQ categories to act or respond to others’ emotions and behaviors appropriately. There are 17 strategies to strengthen how students manage relationships for the long-term well after a honeymoon period has ended. These can be easy to reference when conflicts between students arise and provide vehicles to resolution suited to each student’s strengths and weaknesses.

TalentSmart’s program is just one valid and reliable program on the market today among other competitors like Six Seconds, which also provides strong materials to strengthen EQ as part of social emotional learning tailored more closely to the nonprofit sector. There is detailed content explaining each strategy to increase EQ once a profile has been created for students. Based on my experience using an EQ survey with students, I have seen firsthand that the profile materials containing the 65 specific strategies with students serve as a reliable guide to help them develop and strengthen their emotional quotients to lead healthier, happier, and more successful lives while attending independent schools, wherever they choose to go to college, and in any one of the professions they pursue. In conclusion, I’d like to extend this tool to the faculty as many tried it informally and found it extremely helpful themselves. There are new, reliable, and valid EQ tools with the potential to improve the lives of all people in the school community. Having experimented with one such tool this year, I’m optimistic and excited to continue working with my team to learn even more and expand the opportunity to continue the history of the independent school where the most effective tools available are utilized to help others find the greatest success in life.

Self Awareness Strategies

1. Quit treating your feelings as good or bad
2. Observe the ripple effect from your emotions.
3. Lean into your discomfort
4. Feel your emotions physically
5. Know who and what pushes your buttons
6. Watch yourself like a hawk
7. Keep a journal about your emotions
8. Don’t be fooled by a bad mood
9. Don’t be fooled by a good mood either
10. Stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do
11. Visit your values
12. Check yourself
13. Spot your emotions in books, movies, and music
14. Seek feedback
15. Get to know yourself under stress.

Self Management Strategies

1. Breathe right
2. Create an emotion vs reason list
3. Make your goals public
4. Count to ten
5. Sleep on it
6. Talk to a skilled self-manager
7. Smile and laugh more
8. Set aside some time in your day for problem solving
9. Take control of your self-talk
10. Visualize yourself succeeding
11. Clean up your sleep hygeine
12. Focus your attention on your freedoms, rather than your limitations
13. Stay synchronized
14. Speak to someone who is not emotionally invested in your problem
15. Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you encounter
16. Put a mental recharge into your schedule
17. Accept that change is just around the corner

Social Awareness Strategies

1. Greet people by name
2. Watch body language
3. Make timing everything Develop a back-pocket question
4. Don’t take notes at meetings
5. Plan ahead for social gatherings
6. Clear away the clutter
7. Live in the moment
8. Go on a 15-minute tour
9. Watch EQ at the movies
10. Practice the art of listening
11. Go people watching
12. Understand the rules of the culture game
13. Test for accuracy
14. Step into their shoes
15. Seek the whole picture
16. Catch the Mood of the room

Relationship Strategies

1. Be open and be curious
2. Enhance your natural communication style
3. Avoid giving mixed signals
4. Remember the little things that pack a punch
5. Take feedback well
6. Build trust
7. Have an “open door” policy
8. Only get mad on purpose
9. Don’t avoid the inevitable
10. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings
11. Complement the person’s emotions or situation
12. When you care, show it
13. Explain your decisions, don’t just make them
14. Make your feedback direct and constructive
15. Align your intention with your impact
16. Offer a “fix-it” statement during a broken conversation
17. Tackle a tough conversation

References
Bradberry, T., Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional Intelligence 2.0. San Diego, CA: TalentSmart.

Dear Sisters,

I have learned much from each of you and am most grateful for the love and support you’ve shown me the last 50 years.. SO, I decided to write a little thank you for each of you that I’d like to share today at this incredible birthday party…. BUT there is a little caveat in my thank you messages. Each one corresponds with a character in a TV show that we watched growing up.. Remember the television in the huge living room that we all gathered around and what was on it?

I remember it well. Before I get started though, I want us to take a minute to remember our two sisters God called home before us, Patty and Holly. Let us remember the smiles and beauty they brought to our lives and their sons, Tom and Jeremy, who will carry on their legacies.

Now let me get started with my thank you messages and begin with my beautiful, grace-filled eldest sister here today, Terry… Remember Ginger, the movie star on Gilligan’s Island played by Tina Louise? She had a beautiful face, gorgeous figure and wore sparkly gowns.. I recall seeing a wedding picture of you and Vern on your big day so many years ago and remember thinking, “Wow! She is as beautiful as Ginger.” As I grew up I learned about the depth beneath your beauty, Terry. Your dedication to running a successful business is second only to your love of Christ and family. You have been a role model I have looked to when setting and maintaining the priorities in my life. Thank you.

Charmaine, you are the eldest and aren’t in beautiful Wisconsin on the day of my birthday party, but I have learned much from you from afar these many years you’ve been living and working in sunny California. You are Jaclyn Smith from Charlie’s Angels. First, like Jacklyn, you do NOT age, beautiful sister. She has had a 40 year career and is still as fresh faced as when she started and every teenage girl wanted to be her. I would say many think that about you and your ageless beauty. I recently learned that Jaclyn was nominated for a Golden Globe for her role as Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy, where she so accurately portrayed the grace and beauty of the first lady, something you emanate so easily regardless of the places you’re at or people you’re with. I’ve watched you navigate tricky situations over the years and have learned how to be more open to the universe of solutions, analyze them critically, yet with a sense of humor, and move forward confidently and with poise. Thank you for that, gorgeous lady!

Christine… You are Dixie McCall the nurse from the show, Emergency… When I was little I remember how you loved to care for people and in many ways behaved like a mother figure similar to Nurse McCall…. Like that time I fell down the stairs and broke my arm when Mom and Dad were out of town.. You wrapped it up and splinted it until they returned. You used that love of others to pursue a nursing degree and career. The very essence of who you are has stayed with you as you loved and cared for your most beautiful husband Pat, the boy next door that you married and left us too soon, and your three children. I read recently that if we work from our being, the doing and having all fall seamlessly into place. You have emulated that with tremendous grace. Thank you.

Candy… Your name epitomizes the sweet and loving spirit you have and so you, my love, are MaryAnn from Gilligan’s Island… You are a fresh faced, natural beauty who is always smiling and happy. You always choose kindness, Candy, and you inspire me to choose joy everyday regardless of the challenges that appear in my life. Most importantly though, Candy, you have taught me to pray and be intentional about my relationship with God, I’ve made many changes in my life and am connected to God more frequently and for longer periods of time everyday. I am most grateful for that. Thank you.

Denise… I remember calling you Neecie as a child and miss you today in Wisconsin, but know you are doing something spectacular in New Jersey with one of your children or your beautiful grandson. You are so strong and wise, Denise, and remind me of Murphy Brown the investigative journalist and news anchor, played by Candice Bergen. She fought the patriarchy like a champion with her intellect and wit. She emulated brains that extended well beyond her beauty much the way you do with your intelligence and natural, God-given looks, pretty sister. She was also a  pioneer as a single mother, who provided for and loved her children. I have looked to your strength and intelligence as I worked, went to graduate school, and raised a family. I have NEVER heard you complain about life, even during difficult times raising your children on your own. You continue to inspire me to take care of my health the way you do in the pool. OMG, are you are an amazing swimmer! You help me get onto the solution and execute without complaining, or getting stuck in the challenge of a situation. Thank you for that, Denise.

Jean…. You are Alice from the Brady Bunch… You have raised eight children and are filled with energy, connectedness, and are always smiling. Alice could actually learn from you, Jean. There is no distance you won’t travel to help your children anywhere in this world. The same is true for your sisters; you will traverse the continent to help each one of us. You inspire me to be more giving to others with a selfless spirit and smile on my face. Thank you.

Lynne… You are Velma Dinkley, a character in Scooby-Doo.. I had to use that show because of your love of dogs and animals, but mostly because Velma is the brains of the group. Like, Velma, you are highly intelligent with specific interests and are amazingly well read on just about everything… I know that you are extremely talented at helping others make connections they would struggle or be unable to do on their own while learning, and you do that in our family, as well as with the high school kids you work with in Port Washington.. You are a highly evolved soul who uses your genius to help others, especially those with significant social, emotional, or learning needs. I admire that in you and try to emulate it myself to be a better educator. Thank you.

Michelle… Shelly, you are Lindsay Wagner from the Bionic Woman.. Like her, you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. While Lindsay used her bionic ear to hear at incredible distances and had enormous strength in her arm and legs, your bionic powers are seeing beauty in the natural world with the food you grow to nourish your body and beat back your MS. Another bionic power you have is seeing the beauty in people. I have never heard you speak ill of anyone, instead steering others towards kind words when needed. You inspire me to be kinder, look for goodness in others, and nourish my body with healthy foods, beautiful sister. Thank you.

Pauli… You are Hot Lips Hoolihan from MASH. Clearly she was beautiful and well known for her great ass, as you are. More importantly, however, she acted pretty tough and was in the military, but was truly loving and emotionally vulnerable. She devoted her brains and most of her energy to caring for her nursing staff and Army career. I see you do the very same thing with your family and work caring for other people’s animals with your business, Pauli’s Paws. When a challenge arises, Pauli, you are unafraid and brave. You learn as much as you can about a challenge, and then take action to overcome it.. You did this with your own cancer and amazing recovery, and with anyone who needs help. I admire your determination to go back to school and do the work you are called to do. Thank you for helping me approach challenges with more confidence.

Becky…. You are Mary from Mary Tyler More who also moved to Minneapolis to work and like Mary are unafraid to take a stand on issues that you are passionate about. Like Mary you have also made a great career for yourself in the Twin Cities even when you have had to work with buffoons on occasion. You also have a real knack for making great, lasting friendships like the ones you have there with Lisa, Leslie, and the beautiful Kelly who left you too soon. I watch you with others and admire how easily you connect with people and welcome them into your life and heart so easily. I’ve taken some notes, most loving littlest sister, and have used them to make and care for the friends that I have. Thank you.

AND thank you Kel-Kel and Luke for hosting this party at your beautiful home and Allie for all of the love and creativity you put into this occasion. You three are most generous, loving, and kind. I feel proud to be your mother and thank God for you, my children.

Lastly, thank you Kelly for putting the party together for me and supporting me the last 32 of my 50 years. You have been my confidant and partner through many great times and some really rough patches too. I’m grateful for all of it and am a better person having had you by my side. Thank you.

I am so very grateful and feel blessed by each and every one of your friendships. Thank you all for coming to celebrate my 50^th birthday today!