Yesterday, a friend mentioned that he could tell that I had been through some transformative experience in my life. Perhaps my daily rituals and worldview reflect a peculiar perspective on life or spirituality. Maybe it is my prayer and meditation sequence while I work out at the gym daily. I’m not sure exactly where the comment came from, but it got me to thinking back to a time when everything changed for me and tinkering with how that impacts my life as I know it now and in the future.

Most people who watch others go through cancer treatment and surgeries likely understand the pain and perseverance needed to survive. When problems arise that darken medical situations it takes suffering to a whole new level. That’s when life changed for me during my cancer battle. I’ll call it that, because it was a knock-down-drag-out war.

I remember feeling such incredible amounts of pain that I didn’t think I could really handle another hour and prayed that I would either die, or heal so the pain would simply end. Medication only made me sick making everything feel even more painful, so relief escaped me. One really terrible night while I was laying down on the only side of my body that wasn’t sutured to find peace in sleep, I could not find relief anywhere. As I laid awkwardly, I examined a picture of my family across the room thinking about how much I loved them, and wondered how their lives would be without me. I seriously contemplated whether they would they be alright without me, without the unconditional love I had for them; at the same time, I knew I couldn’t handle the suffering much longer.

Then, quite suddenly, I felt a warm presence and saw the most luminous, bright, spirit-like, yet human creature with golden eyes that shone like the sun. I wasn’t afraid, just drawn to it with amazing magnetism as it seemed to hover above me. I instinctively knew that it was an angel.  I said, “I can’t handle the pain much longer. Please help me.” It asked, “Are you ready to come with me?” I wanted to go with the angel, but knew that I had things to do with my family and with others who I had been drawn to live and work with in my life. My children were at such pivotal places in their lives and my heart broke at the thought of my husband trying to raise them without my love and support. I replied, “I need to say. I’m not ready to leave here yet because I know that I have work to do.” With those words, immense relief and heat flooded my body. I got up slowly knowing I was healing and the light and angel vanished. I sat for hours trying to reconcile what had just happened feeling love and warm energy move within me. It was singularly the most amazing, life-changing experience I have ever had and it compels me to live the way I do today.

I told the angel that I had work to do and wasn’t ready to die yet. Those words became my bond and guide in life. What is that work? As a mother and wife, it is loving and so easy. More broadly, however, it means loving others by using my skills and knowledge to help them, to serve them in ways that help them grow and live joyful lives. The things I say and do in my relationships with friends, parents, students, colleagues, and acquaintances, or anyone have the potential to make a positive difference in others’ lives. This is THE conscious thought I have when I open my eyes every morning and set my intentions. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when life gets challenging and unloving emotions want to converge in difficult situations, but the bond I made wins. The life-changing experience I had when I was sick changed everything about my life because everyday everything I do drills down to simple things. My work is serving others with love and using my God-given skills, knowledge, and passion.